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Life and Times of an itinerant slacker in Sacramento. Thrills, Spills Galore coming soon. Not to mention lots of opinions.

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Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Somebody Else's Troubles...

...make a good laugh for the rest of us.

I stumbled on this once-in-a-lifetime posting in the Sacramento Musicians' postings in Craigslist. Here we go,straight from the horse's mouth (or, perhaps, horse's ass in this case)...

To the woman who dumped in my car (Sac)

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you because you said you were looking for a band. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at Chili's sharing that basket of jalapeno poppers while drinking Guinness. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early.Touché.

  • Location: Sac
  • it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

PostingID: 1293765330 (you can look it up if you don't believe me)

At least that's one embarrassing digestive problem I don't have!

This reminds me my workout earlier this week. After about 20 sit ups on one in a long row of ab benches, or whatever they're called, with my feet up like woman at the Gyn's office, I let an audible one go, thinking it'd be harmless. After about five more reps (and noticing a rather sour smell) , I looked to the side and noticed I had the entire row to myself. That's one way to deal with a busy health club. Made me recall a bon mot from my early years, "He who farts in church sits alone in pew." B'DING!!!!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it, like a __________ sticks to a ________ .

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I must enjoy shouting into a vacuum, but I think about getting my act together one of these days. My mom says I am very handsome and intelligent.

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