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Life and Times of an itinerant slacker in Sacramento. Thrills, Spills Galore coming soon. Not to mention lots of opinions.

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Friday, February 25, 2005

Spring, when young minds turn to. . .

Spring comes early to the Sacramento region, and with it a change in young men’s and women’s focus of attention. This becomes comically evident if you try to teach them math. The last two weeks have been a festival of hormone-induced hilarity.

Two junior high kids melt down to giggling and throwing things at each other whenever they make eye contact. This is accompanied by cries of “He’s looking at me. . . But she looked first”. I suggested they sit side by side, so eye contact wouldn’t be a problem and so they could “discreetly hold hands under the table.” The girls responded with a loud “eeeuuuuwwww”, followed by the boy throwing his pencil at her. The boy came to class yesterday with a stunt carefully engineered to win the heart of his beloved: he had tucked a cardboard box of french fries in the back of his pants, so he could casually pull fries out of the back of his pants and eat them as he talked with the object of his affection. I thought this was a pretty good gag, but the young lady’s heart was not won over. I guess she’s just not into the copraphile scene. Bless her heart.

Aaaahhhh, young love. From now on, these lovebirds will sit at separate tables facing opposite walls, because I say so.

I saw the smoothest pick-up move I have ever seen in my admittedly somewhat dorky experience! While a very polite and quiet boy had his head buried in his homework (trust me that adolescent boys have the worst posture in the universe), an outgoing and pleasant girl seated next to him quietly grabbed his appointment book and wrote with a red pen and “femmy” handwriting, “call Jane at xxx-xxxx and ask her out”. Minutes later she politely asked “Can I look at your notebook?”

“Uh, sure”, responded the unsuspecting quarry. The shuffling of pages, and “Look, some girl wrote in your book! see?”

“Huh? let me look”, followed by increased male slouching and progressive reddening of the poor boy’s ears. His nose could not have been more than two inches above his papers. This shy boy had met more than his match. Every couple of minutes, when he would dare to look up, his suitor would turn and look at him, causing an immediate meltdown and redder ears. I was impressed. It’s sobering seeing a teenager come up with a ploy far beyond anything I could have dreamt up. This kid will go far.

Note - names have been changed to protect the innocent.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

The Writing is on the Natomas Subdivision

Newswire: A tornado strikes Sacramento on Presidents’ Day! Not much damage, but who has ever heard of a tornado in Northern California?

This strange happening requires some deeper examination, which your favorite blog will provide.

I have used the most advanced U S government approved faith based research to help my readers better understand this event.

Further research into the pattern the funnel cloud etched on the ground provided an amazing message. The experts missed this subtle meaning, because, unlike yours truly, they did not recognize the message etched into the Natomas plain is written in a rare variation of ancient Babylonian secretarial shorthand. God must have given me this unique knowledge during one of our many friendly one-on-one chats over coffee.

The writing was thus:

“I apologize for my tardiness. I meant to get this writing done for the wall of the great banquet for thousands called the inauguration. I had a little writer’s block, so sue me. Here’s my point: Your father, GeorgeHWchudnezzar, had the greatest glory and majesty bestowed upon him. But when he grew haughty and willful, speaking of a new world order, the Billandhillary arose from the realm of Arkansas to take from him his white abode and glory. He was banished to celebrity tennis tournaments for eight years, until he saw that truth and justice is most high and sovereign over the realm of men.

But you, GeorgeWshazzar, are likened to a pompous ass even though you know all this. You exalted yourself against the electorate of the people, scourged the sacred polls in the realm with the curse of Diebald, and spilled blood in the land of Babylon. You worshiped the idols of oil, profit and empire, and the perversion of torture. Justice you did not glorify. This is the prophecy that is inscribed: MORON, MORON, TUCHUS, UPYOURSW. Here is their meaning in the common tongue: MORON The days of your regime are numbered and will be brought to an end. TUCHUS You have been weighed and found to be a lightweight and a dumbass. UPYOURSW Your regime has been dissolved and will be given to those likened unto the liberal Obamites.

Yeah, Verily. The word of the blog.

If you buy this, I’ve got a great Social Security reform I’d like to show you.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Dinner at our House!

Dinner at our house. I love saying these words. Especially for an informal get-together and friendly dinner. In addition to using guests as an excuse for having wine and dessert, I really get something out of having someone over for dinner. This is one of the few things I do in life where I enjoy what I am doing, feel like a socially functional person, and we are giving someone something they like – almost everyone likes home cooked food, especially relatively simple food. I get great jot from very informal entertaining.

We had a friend over on Friday and the MIL over tonight. I made hot winter borsht and mix brownies last night, enough for both nights, and bought a loaf of French sourdough bread from Whole Foods. Great sour dough bread is one advantage of living in Northern California. It almost balances the disadvantage of having to share our state with Southern California, well maybe sourdough and the Sierras together make a fair trade. The redwoods and north coast are a bonus.

It’s pretty easy for us to have small informal dinners, possibly because I’m around the house a lot during the days and I love to cook, especially soup. I tend to grill the summer, since it’s too hot to enjoy cooking indoors in these parts. Sacramento definitely has a short soup and baking season. We are already getting showered with azalea and camellia blooms, just as oranges and lemons are disappearing from trees.

I love making dinner for guests. I think that’s the only area where I reach true total woman/Betty Crocker status.

That’s the truth and I’m sticking to it.

Friday, February 18, 2005

Streetcorner Sermon

Today’s Bible quotation is Matt 19:24. For those of you who don’t carry bibles along at all times (i. e., the soon to be left behind) I’ll give you the verse, straight from Jesus’s mouth to my blog, thanks to the King James Bible. It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. The word of the lord, Thanks be to God. Jesus said this, when he was angry at a rich guy who wouldn’t become poor and join with the disciples. Having been Jewish all my life, I had never imagined Jesus to be such an angry grouch! Amazing what you can learn by looking at the bible. I wonder why self-identified fundamentalists don’t do this more often. I guess the fact that the word “rapture” never shows up would prove disappointing. What really scares me about rapture is the fate of us unbelievers – a bunch of naked fat Midwesterners will float in the sky for many days and (ghasp) we’ll have to see them. Maybe that’s not so bad; I went to the coast to see whales float around and enjoyed it. Rapture aside, what was I talking about?

Oh, yeah, the Bible quote. I think it is pretty self-explanatory, as rare as that is in scriptures. You can’t get salvation by gathering enough stuff. Enough will never be enough. You’ll have to get enough stuff and then find something else to gain your salvation. I strongly suggest you begin this mystical journey by donating all your worldly possessions to this blog.

Getting back to the mundane, winter weather is back, I am making borscht for dinner. Soup season has returned. The big news on the radio is about the FDA’s review of Vioxx and its class of pain relievers. The special committee reviewed the dangers of these drugs to the public against the profitability of these drugs for the pharmaceutical industry. Guess what they decided?

That’s the truth, and I’m sticking to it.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Ayatollah Not to Come

Ayatollah not to come, uh-uh. . .
That ain’t the way to have fun
(sung to the tune of mama tol’ me not to come)

Sometimes, in this confusing modern world in which we live, we can take comfort and direction from our traditional values. Ever wonder WWMD (what would Mohammed do?)

Well, blog readers, click your mouse on this,, for a clear Islamic answer to any of your life’s troubling questions, courtesy of Islamweb. Remember, Allah knows best. I particularly am taking life-changing guidance form the marriage-related fatwas about dealing with a willful and disobedient wife. Sorry, Kathleen.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005

Diary of a Weekend Hippy

I briefly attended open juggling at the Damento festival in Sacramento last week. I was not able to stay for the stage show, which got good reviews (see

It was a great festival, and I had a great time. Oddly enough, I hardly juggled at all. I spent the better part of an afternoon in excellent workshops on twirling staffs and poi. Sometimes doing non-toss props is a lot more fun. It can be a drag to spend a half hour struggling with five balls while some teenager across the gym is effortlessly juggling seven balls with occasional trick throws.

I got a lot of good pointers from a couple of twins from Reno named Cory and Cody. These guys in their early twenties look a lot like Barbie’s new surfer-dude boyfriend. They spoke enthusiastically about fire camp at Burning Man, and suggested I should attend this year. The gag is you set your staffs’ ends and poi balls on fire, and apparently they spend a lot of time “putting out” other fire twirlers. I suspect these guys take the role of responsible adults at fire camp. In any event, Burning Man doesn’t sound like my cup of tea. Something about hundreds of hippies, no showers in the desert heat, and public sex just doesn’t do it for me. Call me an old fart.

Open Letter to Bill Gates

Dear Bill,

I just completed the most recent update to windows today. I complicate the easy-to-use Microsoft Security website, however, Sometimes I dream of an operating system that doesn’t require numerous major updates. How many more critical flaws will arise in Windows over the next few months, or few years. It’s getting to the point where running windows on one computer is a part-time job.

Here’s a modest proposal; how about fixing the bugs in the next version of windows prior to release. This is a crazy concept called quality. A guy named Deming wrote a book about it. If you wish, I can lend you his book.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

End the Occupation, or the Action Figure Gets It!

Newspapers report the recently kidnapped U. S. soldier has a strange resemblance to an action figure sold in Kuwait. I guess that explains the soldier’s stony visage in the photo. How can things get any weirder than this? I have a feeling we’ll probably find out, whether you wanted to or not.

Press release. . . Speaking at the Hasbro Corporation, after a fine color guard reception from the American Legion G I Joe brigade, the Secretary of Defense (but, can he type) was asked to explain if putting action figures in dangerous positions is a new policy. Further, the Secretary was asked whether other types of dolls are likely to be called back.

His response was, “in a war, you play with the dolls you have, not the dolls you want. Further, given that dolls have no major organs to fail, we don’t have to worry about torture at the hands of their captors.” He later added, “Our brave action figures are fighting the terrorists in Iraq, so we won’t have to fight them in your local WalMart.”

On the homeland front, our Federal Government is not taking this threat to America’s action figures lightly. By executive order, the previously secret PATRIOT III (protect all toys responsibly in our territory) act is being implemented. Starting today, all U. S. military toys are activated and should report for duty. Further, all Barbie owners are required to report to Toys R Us for issue of Government supplied burkahs. No Barbie is allowed to leave her place of residence without an armed action figure escort. The Department of Homeland Security has asked all citizens be on the lookout for the fugitive Malibu Abdul. They have a broomstick that would like to have a talk with Abdul.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

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I must enjoy shouting into a vacuum, but I think about getting my act together one of these days. My mom says I am very handsome and intelligent.

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