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Life and Times of an itinerant slacker in Sacramento. Thrills, Spills Galore coming soon. Not to mention lots of opinions.

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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Furthxr Dirxction From Zxyxn, our Alixn Lxadxr.

Xrthlings! Obxy Thxsx Ordxrs or I will crush your prxcious xconomy.



That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I'm Praying to the Aliens

I have been recieving mysterious messages. Yet another alien that those darned Homeland Security cops must've let through.



Mxssagx From Your Lxadxr

Xarthlings, I havx arrivxd from thx Planxt Cxrxs. Hxxd my commandmxnts:

I am zxyxn,prxfxct of the Omxga quadrant and you shall havx no othxr law giving alixns bxforx mx. All humans shall hxrxtoforx sxrvx mx or facx nuggixs.

Thou shalt not takx my namx in vain. Though shalt takx by mouth, and no morx than four timxs xach day.

Thou shalt not witnxss falsx bxars by my namx, lxst thx bxar bx lxft witlxss.

Rxmxmbxr thx absinthx, and drink of it hxartily, for absinthx dost makx thx hxart grow foggixr.

Honor thy mothxr and fathxr, bxcausx I said so, that’s all thx rxason thou nxxdxst. Undxrstand?

Thou art not krill. Thou nxxdst not swim in polar sxas nor fxar whalxs.

Thou shall not commit adultxry, thosx who transgrxss this commandmxnt may bx forcxd to try a duxl, for what good is a commandmxnt without an anagram.

Though shall not Stxphxn Covxy, nor shall thou worship any falsx mxthod of sxlf hxlp. Thou shall not adhxrx to thx sxvxn practicxs of sucknxss.

Rxsistancx is futilx, you will bx assimilatxd.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

OUCH!

This is both sad and funny.



That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Latest Financial News

WASHINGTON – Democratic leaders in Congress sidetracked legislation to bail out the auto industry Thursday and demanded the Big Three develop a plan assuring the money would make them economically viable.

Ummmmmmm,errrrrrr,AIG's business plan,please?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The End of the World as We Know It

I feel fine.

song chart memes
more music charts

Hey Moron Church, thanks for saving the world.

Latest Financial News From the Intertubes to You

Remember,you heard it here first.

Subject: *SOMALI PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP

*SOMALI PIRATES APPLY TO BECOME BANK TO ACCESS TARP
*PAULSON: TARP PIRATE EQUITY IS AN `INVESTMENT,’ WILL PAY OFF
*KASHKARI SAYS `SOMALI PIRATES ARE ‘FUNDAMENTALLY SOUND’ ‘
*Moody’s upgrade Somali Pirates to AAA
*HUD SAYS SOMALI DHOW FORECLOSURE PROGRAM HAD `VERY LOW’
PARTICIPATION
*SOMALI PIRATES IN DISCUSSION TO ACQUIRE CITIBANK
*FED OFFICIALS: AGGRESSIVE EASING WOULD CUT SOMALI PIRATE RISK
*FED
AGREED OCT. 29 TO TAKE `WHATEVER STEPS’ NEEDED FOR SOMALI
PIRATES

The Hangininsac index has increased SomaliPirates rating to extreme buy. And imagine, just a short twenty years ago,these guys were into a subsistance fishing gig. Corporate funded fishing fleets fished their local waters into extinction, and they found an alternative livelyhood in piracy, where they could leverage their superior knowledge of the local seas.

This is in no way intended to present an object lesson in environmental stewardship.

BTW,we are seeing "Pirates of Penzance" at the local opera Sunday. Talk about timing!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Monday, November 17, 2008

Giraffes!

This came from Saturday Night Live earlier this year. I laughed so hard I almost hurled.



Coming to a planet near you. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Mr. Feynman Surely Must Have Been Joking

Who can't love a Nobel Physicist who wrote an autobiography called, 'Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman!'

I’ve been reading a rather dry biography of Feynman, which I don’t recommend, but that has lead me to look up some of Feynman’s gems. Although he died 20 years ago, his insights still seem relevant. Besides, who can’t love a bongo playing Nobel Prizewinning physicist.

When asked to explain the work that won his Nobel Prize, he told People Magazine, ‘If I could explain it to the average person, I wouldn't have been worth the Nobel Prize’.

On his deeply held Cold War fears of nuclear annihilation. ‘I would see people building a bridge, or they'd be making a new road, and I thought, they're crazy, they just don't understand, they don't understand. Why are they making new things? It's so useless.’

Feynman was the only person to directly view the Trinity test near Los Alamos. He refused to wear protective goggles, he simply sat in a truck and looked through the windshield, because he is a complete nut.

On the proper place of economics in the universe; ‘There are 10^11 stars in the galaxy. That used to be a huge number. But it's only a hundred billion. It's less than the national deficit! We used to call them astronomical numbers. Now we should call them economical numbers.’

From his press conference as part of the NASA Commission studying the first Space Shuttle failure; ‘For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for Nature cannot be fooled.’ I remember this press conference on TV. Feynman brought in a model of the now recognized O-ring, soaked it in a glass of ice water, and showed the world that the insulating material fails at near-freezing temperatures.

On intellectual honesty; ‘The first principle is that you must not fool yourself - and you are the easiest person to fool.’

On the value of experimentation; ‘It doesn't matter how beautiful your theory is, it doesn't matter how smart you are. If it doesn't agree with experiment, it's wrong.’ Feynman would be up in arms if he had lived to see String Theory, which has no experimental evidence in its support, bring physics to a state of irrelevance.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Post Election Blessings for Your Friday

Barack atah Illinois Elohenu melech ha'olam, hoo-ray p'ri ha-electoral
landslide.


You can see that this was foretold: The original versions

the Blessing for wine:

Hebrew
Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha-olam
Blessed are you, Lord, our God, sovereign of the universe

(if using wine or grape juice)

Hebrew
borei p'ri hagafen (Amein)
Who creates the fruit of the vine (Amen)

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Back to Old Style Humor?

I found a bunch of jokes on The Simple Living Network's discussion Forums.

Heeeeeeere we Go!

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station......
And that is when the fight started....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her The beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security . The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.. So I opened my shirt revealing my cur ly silver hair. She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application . When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.
And that's when the fight started.....

My husband and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. My husband asked, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my husband, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's when the fight started.........


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.


What amazed me is that although these jokes sound like they com from the 1950s,from a Henny Youngman type of comic, I thought they were mildly funny. Oy Vey!

I don't know where these jokes started, but if I've seen them, they have probably been all over the intertubes by now. Old jokes don't die, they don't even fade away, deal with it.

That's mys story and I'm sticking to it.

Friday, November 07, 2008

My South Park Cameo

Now everyone knows what I did last Tuesday. South park has jumped on the Reality TV bandwagon. They filmed the first reality segment at my house about 9:00 last Tuesday night.
Through the miracle of modern technology,I was digitally morphed into Mr Marsh and K appeared in the guise of Mr. Brataslowski. Our identities were protected. It's embarassing to watch, but it is a comlpetely accurate representation of actual events.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Thursday, November 06, 2008

The Last Week in Two Minutes

I liked something about this video.




Enjoy.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008

IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA! For Real This Time

So, who's a "Real American" now? I AM,DAMMIT! No more stale, rotten left-over culture wars. The voters said we're done with that. Time to look toward the future.



On the mundane side, I love having a skinny intellectual president. That's a bonus.

McCain's very eloquent Speech came on the radio as I was driving home from teaching, through what was,until yesterday, staunchly Republican conservative territory (the home of shamed Rep. John ‘deep doo’ Doolittle). I totally lost it, and drove home with the windows open and horn honking, stopping several times to share the news with pedestrians at lights and bus stops. Tears of joy, there were actually tears everywhere.

BTW - that is the best speech I've heard from McCain in a long time. Sounds like he's already quit drinking the Kool-Aid. I am glad he has three years left in the Senate. I always liked him, but he seems to have fallen in with a bad crowd lately. Perhaps he'll dig deep and find his true self once again.

"My Dad’s comment last night was the best I heard. He and my Mom called my sister at 10pm after it was called for Obama, and he said 'If any of the people I knew in Virginia are still alive, they just died'.'

That'smy story and I'm sticking to it

Sunday, November 02, 2008

Time for a Cheap laugh

This is too good not to share.

Harry Potter, jk rowling, composer, Dimitri Shostakovich
see famous look-a-like faces

Both these guys have been known to wave sticks around. Conincidence or conspiracy,you decide. Must be some kind of Stalinist plot.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

Strange Forum for a Serious Message

'Don't Speak for me, Sarah Palin'

Singing hockey moms with Moose accompainists for Obama. Finally,there is a use for Andrew Lloyd Webber.





My favorite lyrics

"Don't speak for me Sarah palin
The truth is I do not like you"

'My kid plays hockey,
I wear lipstick,
but I still think You're a dipstick"

All Right Now Dammit, Team - The time to talk is about over,let's go out and win this one,Dammit. The world is depending on us, Dammit. We are, as the Cristoconservatives say, the city on the hill. That means everyone is watching and we have to do the right thing,Dammit. Choose hope over fear, choose life. Let those who drink the koolaid take their rightful place in the dustbin of history.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

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I must enjoy shouting into a vacuum, but I think about getting my act together one of these days. My mom says I am very handsome and intelligent.

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