End the Occupation, or the Action Figure Gets It!

Newspapers report the recently kidnapped U. S. soldier has a strange resemblance to an action figure sold in Kuwait. I guess that explains the soldier’s stony visage in the photo. How can things get any weirder than this? I have a feeling we’ll probably find out, whether you wanted to or not.

Press release. . . Speaking at the Hasbro Corporation, after a fine color guard reception from the American Legion G I Joe brigade, the Secretary of Defense (but, can he type) was asked to explain if putting action figures in dangerous positions is a new policy. Further, the Secretary was asked whether other types of dolls are likely to be called back.

His response was, “in a war, you play with the dolls you have, not the dolls you want. Further, given that dolls have no major organs to fail, we don’t have to worry about torture at the hands of their captors.” He later added, “Our brave action figures are fighting the terrorists in Iraq, so we won’t have to fight them in your local WalMart.”

On the homeland front, our Federal Government is not taking this threat to America’s action figures lightly. By executive order, the previously secret PATRIOT III (protect all toys responsibly in our territory) act is being implemented. Starting today, all U. S. military toys are activated and should report for duty. Further, all Barbie owners are required to report to Toys R Us for issue of Government supplied burkahs. No Barbie is allowed to leave her place of residence without an armed action figure escort. The Department of Homeland Security has asked all citizens be on the lookout for the fugitive Malibu Abdul. They have a broomstick that would like to have a talk with Abdul.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.