Post Election Blessings for Your Friday

Barack atah Illinois Elohenu melech ha'olam, hoo-ray p'ri ha-electoral
landslide.

You can see that this was foretold: The original versions

the Blessing for wine:

Hebrew
Barukh atah Adonai, Eloheinu, melekh ha-olam
Blessed are you, Lord, our God, sovereign of the universe

(if using wine or grape juice)

Hebrew
borei p'ri hagafen (Amein)
Who creates the fruit of the vine (Amen)

Back to Old Style Humor?

I found a bunch of jokes on The Simple Living Network's discussion Forums.

Heeeeeeere we Go!

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive....so, I took her to a gas station......
And that is when the fight started....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her The beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started....

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security . The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I
looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.. So I opened my shirt revealing my cur ly silver hair. She said, That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application . When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.
And that's when the fight started.....

My husband and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. My husband asked, 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my husband, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'
And that's when the fight started....

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's when the fight started.........


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started.

What amazed me is that although these jokes sound like they com from the 1950s,from a Henny Youngman type of comic, I thought they were mildly funny. Oy Vey!

I don't know where these jokes started, but if I've seen them, they have probably been all over the intertubes by now. Old jokes don't die, they don't even fade away, deal with it.

That's mys story and I'm sticking to it.

My South Park Cameo

Now everyone knows what I did last Tuesday. South park has jumped on the Reality TV bandwagon. They filmed the first reality segment at my house about 9:00 last Tuesday night.
Through the miracle of modern technology,I was digitally morphed into Mr Marsh and K appeared in the guise of Mr. Brataslowski. Our identities were protected. It's embarassing to watch, but it is a comlpetely accurate representation of actual events.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The Last Week in Two Minutes

I liked something about this video.




Enjoy.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA! For Real This Time

So, who's a "Real American" now? I AM,DAMMIT! No more stale, rotten left-over culture wars. The voters said we're done with that. Time to look toward the future.



On the mundane side, I love having a skinny intellectual president. That's a bonus.

McCain's very eloquent Speech came on the radio as I was driving home from teaching, through what was,until yesterday, staunchly Republican conservative territory (the home of shamed Rep. John ‘deep doo’ Doolittle). I totally lost it, and drove home with the windows open and horn honking, stopping several times to share the news with pedestrians at lights and bus stops. Tears of joy, there were actually tears everywhere.

BTW - that is the best speech I've heard from McCain in a long time. Sounds like he's already quit drinking the Kool-Aid. I am glad he has three years left in the Senate. I always liked him, but he seems to have fallen in with a bad crowd lately. Perhaps he'll dig deep and find his true self once again.

"My Dad’s comment last night was the best I heard. He and my Mom called my sister at 10pm after it was called for Obama, and he said 'If any of the people I knew in Virginia are still alive, they just died'.'

That'smy story and I'm sticking to it

Time for a Cheap laugh

This is too good not to share.


see famous look-a-like faces

Both these guys have been known to wave sticks around. Conincidence or conspiracy,you decide. Must be some kind of Stalinist plot.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Strange Forum for a Serious Message

'Don't Speak for me, Sarah Palin'

Singing hockey moms with Moose accompainists for Obama. Finally,there is a use for Andrew Lloyd Webber.





My favorite lyrics

"Don't speak for me Sarah palin
The truth is I do not like you"

'My kid plays hockey,
I wear lipstick,
but I still think You're a dipstick"

All Right Now Dammit, Team - The time to talk is about over,let's go out and win this one,Dammit. The world is depending on us, Dammit. We are, as the Cristoconservatives say, the city on the hill. That means everyone is watching and we have to do the right thing,Dammit. Choose hope over fear, choose life. Let those who drink the koolaid take their rightful place in the dustbin of history.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Rain, and Time to Complain about the Government

It rained last night! We haven’t seen more than a drizzle since January, which is unusual even for Sacramento. We usually expect to get less than ¼ inch of rain in total from May through September, but January and February are usually wet months. Although the official stats show rainfall under ¼ inch yesterday, it seemed like a deluge. It’s easy to get accustomed to life without rain.

We are forecast for rain on and off through Monday, with the most rain expected Saturday and Sunday (of course). Snow above 5,000 feet is expected for the Sierras.

Man O Manischewitz, the roads were slippery last night. There’s nothing like a little water sprinkled on none months worth of leaked oil to make driving more fun. I actually skidded away from a red light. The cop in the car in the next lane got a good laugh out of it. I could see him laughing in the light of the computer screen.

It looks like the rain will stop just in time for Election Day, so the water-soluble block will be well represented at the polls. As of late, I have more or less tuned out campaign news. At this point, IMHO, both candidates are sounding like fools. I hope the winner wises up after the election. The rhetoric of late brings out the small but present grain of old-fashioned conservatism from deep within the dark recesses of my mind. I hear both candidates promising they will make the economy sound; McCain promises he will bring the domestic automobile industry back to its former position of global dominance (Dude, WTF?),while Obama claims he will re-invigorate the economy by creating cool new industries like better energy. Last time I checked, presidents don’t run industries. For all our sakes, I hope these guys don’t believe the basura they are spewing. Maybe the rigors of the campaign trail have stressed them beyond the point of rationality.

My somewhat conservative tiny grain causes me to worry when people are willing to accept that he Government will make a great economy for us. I believe that Government has a vital role to play in solving the problems that we are facing these days. However, I do not believe that the Government can provide us (We The People, WTP) with solutions to the social and economic problems we need to face in the next several years. In my (admittedly warped) view of the world, I see Government as a lens that focuses the energies of the nation in constructive ways. I don’t see the Government producing prosperity through its programs and actions. Rather, I see Government as an agent that can, when enlightened, steer the ship in a way that WTP’s efforts contribute toward a desirable future.

I guess this means my universe doesn’t grant free lunches (hey, NFL = No Free Lunches, cool). In my gimlet eyes, the approaches currently in action and consideration for getting us out of this economic hole are like someone stuck in a hole digging deeper. I have a hard time believing that increasing debt is the best way to resolve a debt crisis, particularly when debt is used to spend money in a way that won’t directly impact the cause of our most immediate credit crisis, upside down mortgages, or increase productivity.

Now that I’ve given my opinion about what isn’t the right answer, I am sorry to admit I don’t have a better answer beyond the advice that starting another war and/or continuing our unimaginable level of military spending will probably not help.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Everything is All My Fault - A Distopic Near Future

I Promise to do my duty for My Country. This will not happen.
My Fellow Americans,please join me in my solemn oath.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

All This and Larry Flint,Too Aaarrrggghhhhhh!

Oh My Gayd, Oh My Gaud, Oh My Gaud!

The river of bullshit never stops. Especially on this blog.

The Script to Larry Flint’s soon-to-be-released Who’s Nailin Palin has surreptitiously found its way on to the internet. When I first saw this script, I had no idea what I was looking at.

Unfortunately, this appears to be more than the usual internet hoax. The Guardian is carrying the story as well. Limp Uncle Larry released a one minute preview, however Youtube has removed it. So sorry guys, this still is all you get to see for now.



I read a few pages of the script, and rest assured, it sucks, in every meaning of the word.

From looking at some other articles, I think a good rule to go by is to never piss off Larry Flint. Seriously, don’t even let your sleazy friends piss this guy off.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The Lighter Side of Identity Politics

Baraech O'Bamaugh is the most Irish Presidential candidate since JFK! This musical explanation is a hoot!



That settles it for my family. K can identify with the Irishness,and I can still identify with the midwestern mom thing,not to mention the skinny thing.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Opie Talks About Hope & Courage

Ron Opie Tailer Richie Cunningham Howard is my new hero.

See more Ron Howard videos at Funny or Die

I found the Andy and Opie segment has a message we don't hear clearly enough from our own so-called leaders, that the future belongs to the courageous.

Nations whose actions are guided by their highest aspirations will act to realize those aspirations. Those guided by fear are doomed to realize all they fear.

It's your choice. Choose Life, Choose Hope.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The New Star Trek Movie - Gotta Dish

This film is an epic voyage that will suck where no movie has sucked before.

Here's the evidence.



I can't put my finger on it,but something about this still tells me to wait until it is available on Netflix, buy a sixpack,and laugh our asses off while we create campy dialogue. Is it just me, or does Captain Kirk look like he walked off the set of American Idol?

Further, the Official Trailer tantalizes us with images of guys doing arc welds. Does using 1930s manual welding technology on the hull of a vessel that will soon travel faster than the speed of light really make sense? This is perhaps an indication of the amount of thought that went into this enterprize (get the pun,huh, huh?). What is it about Science Fiction movies that bring out the morons?

Speaking of Kap'n Kirk,check out this performance by Shatner,who appears to be taking up the role of the guy who never gets invited anywhere (like to appear in this movie). After listening to this, I think I know why.



Captain's log,Stardate 112408, That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Local Sports Pandering & Other Moronics

I am sick to the gills of the odor of donkey and elephant poo. Baseball is the only thing I've watched on the glass teat for a coupleof weaks, but I'm reaching my limit. The Nation Wide Chowderhead Density (NWCD)has gone far beyond the safety limits. Warning, this country is not safe to operate under current conditions.

John Stuart did this great bit about the lowest of the low - both canpaigns are pandering to local sports fans. They all say GO PHILLIES, GO RAYS. I say,

Why don't you all GO FISHING and leave the rest of us alone

.




On an unrelated note, I must confess that my complete,100% antagonism topward Gov Palin has been shaken. I have fallen to the depths of identity politics. Turns out both of us are crappy woodwind players! Watch Sarah play Come-to-Jesus-in-halfnotes, complete with crappy intonation. WARNING - do not view the following video on an empty stomach.



That's my story, and I'm sticking to it. GO (insert local team name here)!!!!!!

The Consistent Wisdom of Experience

Another example John McCain's brilliant and experienced insight.



Do as I say,not as I do,sez the Senator. Better yet,sign on a peabrained hottie to do it for you.

That's my stroy and I'm sticking to it.

Foreigners are Taking Jobs From Americans

Right here in Sacramento! I have proof!


see Sarah Palin pictures

Staying at the Parents

If psychological regression is your thing, nothng's better better than a solo visit to your parents. It'll take thirty years off your emotional maturity in the wink of a teenage zit encrusted eye.

Anyway, Madison seems to be doing quite well without my presence. The parents live a couple of blocks from the house I owned here in the eighties. The house looks great, the new owners have added a new roof and done a great paint Job.

When I visit, I try to take a long walk at Picnic point every weekday morning. The fall colors are showing right now, so I picked the right time to visit. This link is a cool view of the area: http://lakeshorepreserve.wisc.edu/imap/LakeshoreNaturePreserve.html

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

A Message to Wall Street

Sometimes brevity is wisdom.




That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The Great Schlep

Well, it turns out my upcoming visit with the parents is aligned with a great political event. This video cracked me up. It's well worth watching.



Here's my response:

Oy vey,

Such a girl, a real sheyne, as pretty as any shiksa out there, then, oy gevalt, she opens up such a mouth on her, like some kind of gonnif! Such a foul mouth gets my schpilkus worked up. (Have I told you how my schpilkus is lately? Could be better, Oy, it should happen to that Iranian momzer,calls himself President, and forgets to use his necktie, such a Schlemeel!)

The Good Lord bless her loving Bubby and Zeda, she is not such a good girl making threats for her Bubby and Zeda.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Not to worry,I'll just sit here in the dark.

Now I Understand It

It was The Illuminati all along. Here's the proof.






That's my story and I'm sticking to it. Gimme a trillion dollars now,dammit!

Welcome to October

What better way to start the month of all hallows than an interview with India's Monkey Man.





Nothing captures the halloween spirit better than a guy crawling around in orange shorts,with a mask and tail. I bet he'd scare even more monkeys if someone bought him a Darth Cheney mask.

Thomas Jefferson & Our Times

Poor President Jefferson must be wearing out his grave, from turning over so frequently.

Here's another quotation that speaks to our current times.

I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies. If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their currency, first by inflation, then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around [the banks] will deprive the people of all property until their children wake-up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered. The issuing power should be taken from the banks and restored to the people, to whom it properly belongs.

Thomas Jefferson, Letter to the Secretary of the Treasury Albert Gallatin (1802)
3rd president of US (1743 - 1826)

I admit this applies in a somewhat subtile manner, but this is too good to keep to myself.

We hold this truth to be self-evident: That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

MELTDOWN

I am killing time while a contractor is fixing the fence, what better time is there for blogging?

In times like these, what better bromide is there than hackneyed old adages?

Ah one, ah two, and here we go!

It’s the end of the world as we know it, I feel fine.

The hens have come home to roost.

Bears make money, bulls make money, and pigs get slaughtered.

If you can’t see the patsy sitting at the table, it’s you.

Poop rolls downhill.

Neither borrower nor lender be.

If it’s too good to be true, it isn’t true.

The mule’s second kick teaches you nothing.

When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.


That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Johnson & Boswell - Wisdom For Our Times

Boswell: I propose that America in this decade is the same as Russia in the 1980s.










Johnson: Russia had the brains to get out of Afghanistan when they went bankrupt. I refute it thusly. BahDing!









That's my story and I'm Sticking to it.

Spam You Can't Refuse

I found the emial copied below in my inbox Monday morning. I also found a glass of green koolaid sitting by my door. It was refreshing and delicious.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Here's the email.

Subject: REQUEST FOR URGENT CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS RELATIONSHIP

Dear American:

I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship
with a transfer of funds of great magnitude.

I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country
has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of
800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it
would be most profitable to you.

I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my
replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you
may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation
movement in the 1990s. This transactin is 100% safe.

This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need
the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these
funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly
under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for
a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the
funds can be transferred.

Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund
account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to
wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission
for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will
respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used
to protect the funds.

Yours Faithfully
Minister of Treasury Paulson

Listen to the Crow, Heed its Warning

This wise crow from Alaska has a message for us.



Although the crow speaks of only one candidate, we must apply its wisdom throughout the realm.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Gnocchi! Easier to make than to spell!

I had an urge to make Gnocchi last night. These turned out to be easy and good,although they don't make a striking photo.



Two large russet potatoes
1 Egg
1 cup flour
Salt and Pepper to taste

Peel and boil the potatoes until tender.
Drain and mash the potatoes in a mixing bowl.
Stir in the egg, salt, pepper and about ¾ of the flour.
Knead gently, adding flour as needed.
Roll into snakes, a la play dough, using flour to avoid stickiness.
Cut into 1 inch long segments.
Drop in boiling water for 2 to 3 minutes, until the gnocchi float.
Remove with a slotted spoon.

I served the gnocchi in bowls in a light broth:

Olive oil
Minced garlic
Chopped fresh parsley,or whatever herb flops your mop.
1 cup chicken bouillon

Sauté garlic and parsley in some olive oil.
Add the bouillon and heat until simmering.

Serve the gnocchi in bowls with the broth.

Bon appetite!

Kennin's Tomb

A highlight from those crazy Russians. Read the whole story below.

South Park versus Gorky Park

It looks like those South Park (pronounced syout pyark) kids have done it again!

Once again , we find the dictators, despots and secret policemen of our world coming up a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic basket in the humor department.

The story started early in September, when a group of Russian bible thumpers asked the Government to ban Syouth Pyark


The Government responded by effectively banning Syouth Pyark,on the grounds that it promotes immorality, suicide, and debauchery in general. They used to call stuff like this counterrevolutionary. Big change.

And now, the punchline.

Not to be left out of the conversation, the Dork Party has taken to the streets to protest, producing these weird images.

Gyive me Syouth Pyark,or give me death! (or, at least, kill Kenny).

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

One Year of Slackerdom

I am nearing the anniversary of leaving my previous year of fulltime employment in Civil Service, after a year of fulltime consulting at a corporation. I can’t keep myself from looking back and weighing my life in this balance.

In the present moment, it feels like my life is in a holding pattern. I am not working on any great projects or toward any great achievement. I have taken up regular exercise, and I’m spending more time taking care of routine stuff and making music. I make just enough money tutoring on some weeknights that I am not a financial drain. I am President of a music society and a happy dude most of the time. People enjoy my company more these days, which is the best measure I have of my own happiness.

I left the fulltime gig without a concrete plan for the future. When I came to the opinion that staying on would make me a crook in my heart of hearts, bugging out for the dugout was the only reasonable option. Spending workdays engaged in dynamic inaction was more tiring than really working. I left betting that my creativity and other resources would be sufficient to develop a satisfying life, or at least more satisfying than working in a shady joint.

My original idea was to talk with folks in my field in the few local companies, and try to figure out some part time way of working. Before I got this effort started in earnest, the contacts got fired from the two local companies, in a couple of strange corporate bloodbaths. So far, all these guys except one are still more or less hanging out. The one guy who found work is now living in Singapore, his wife’s country of origin. All this baggage has dimmed my enthusiasm for getting actively back into the profession. However, I have kept my qualification and continuing professional education up to date.

Through the year, I have enjoyed doing morning yoga classes, going for a hike or bike ride in the wild areas near the river whenever I want to, doing the necessary shopping (mostly groceries) during the day when the stores are uncrowded, and butchers are willing to do custom work.

So I haven’t really done anything of note this year. I remind myself that the same was true for almost all the years when I was working fulltime. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just keep on going. I have a friend who looks at these times in light of ancient Egyptian history. Egypt had generations of dynasties that fill the centuries between the dynasties we view as great. Although not great, these dynasties were needed to hold civilization together between the great moments.

That being said, I am starting to feel it’s time to get off my backside, and expend more energy toward living a more interesting life. I have been warming myself at whatever fire I find near. Now it’s time to light my own fire. Step one is looking inward and outward to figure out what I am not doing now that I want to do. Burn Baby Burn!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Mr. Sulu Gets Hitched

George Takei got married today,after about 20 years with his partner.

The LA Times’ Blog has this lovely short article,fo all us wanabees who weren't invited.

Note,on the utube video, Lt. Uhuru acting as an attendant. How cool is that?

I have trouble imagining anyone thinking this is a threat to their marriages, since I watched the entire video,and I felt absolutely no urges to dump the wife and run off with the guy next door. But I feel happy for Mr. Sulu.

However,we may see a majority of my fellow Californians vote a referendum (referendumb?) attempting to revive the previous ban against same sex marriages into law this November.

If there's a sucker born every minute, there's a jerk born every second.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Bulletin Board Fodder for Unengaged Students

I just pounded this out using Powerpoint,the springboard of small minds everywhere.



This comes from The Joy of not Working, the world’s most constructive manual for slackers, written by Ernie Zelinski. Zelinski,at age 29,asked his boss in an engineering division of a Canadian public utility for three months time off,and was denied, as you would expect. Zelinski quit his job and vowed never to work full time again.

My motivation is that I see a consistent lack of engagement in my students,especially the boys. It doesn't concern me when kids aren't really engaged in their Math studies. After all,high school Algebra I is not the most seductive material in the universe. What does concern me is the passivity some kids seem to apply to every aspect of their lives. Thirteen is a rather young age for ennui to by the major force in life. Ergo, I attempt to influence (OK, I nag) via the bulletin board. I often posts clippings from comic strips, so the little lords and ladies actually look at the board.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Money Happiness and Deep Thoughts

This article in Slate about money, health and happiness spoke to me.

From life experience I could do without, I relate to the warning that money buys you happiness only up to your physical ability to enjoy your days. However,it certianly takes a lot of weak intellectual tripe to say what can be better said in only two words, Carpe Diem.

That's my mildly pathetic story, and I'm sticking to it.

More Chatter about The Dude

Where Hangininsac stops,the professional chattering class takes the baton and blathers on.

Slate Magazine jumps on the Hangininsac bandwagon today. Remember where you heard it first.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The Importance of Careful Editing

Looks like them feriner hating Republicans have hired my copy editor!



see Sarah Palin pictures

Winners and Losers – Follow the Money

Since the start of my years as big money world of consulting actuaries in the 1990s, I heard a constant stream of complaining by people in households earning well over $100,000 per year. The complaints were about people feeling poor. One actuary once confessed that “It’s too hard to raise two kids on $150,000 annual income”. It seemed so strange. What is going on here?

How do people decide if they are happy with the money they have? I recall that in the 1990’s someone at the University of Illinois did a study that that showed people in the upper middle class actually less happy with their financial status than people in the lower middle class. I am too lazy to find a citation, so trust me or don’t believe, I don’t care.

However, this interesting factoid comes from This source . This ain’t a primary source,but I am not digging further today.


Percentage of Americans who say they have achieved the American Dream:
Those earning less than $15,000 a year: 5%
Those earning more than $50,000 a year: 6%
I have heard similar observations elsewhere. In short, a lot of folks with more money don’t feel richer than folks scraping to get by. Could this be an expression of some kind of mass hysteria? I doubt it.

This picture tells the thousand word story:



Perhaps we Americans are a little into social climbing, ambitious for increasing our social status. If that’s the case, than we’d be rational to evaluate our well-being by looking at the next highest rooster in the picking order. The corporate drone in the cube asks how is he doing compared to the guy in the side office. The side office guy measures himself against the guy in the corner office, who grovels at the feet of the guys upstairs.
If that is the case, you can see how the gap between the upper reaches of the middle classes and the richest 20% has exploded in our lifetime. The most recent data I could find only runs up to 2001,when the federal Government got serious about supercharging more tax breaks for the rich. The gap has only gotten bigger.

Therefore, you must pity your poor boss, whose must suffer the indignity of working for a boss so rich he treats everybody like servants (trust me I’ve been there). I am tsk tsking as I write this.
That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The Dude: A Hero for our Times

This year marks the 10th anniversary of The Big Lebowski’s release. Apparently the dude has become a cult figure, with midnight screenings in some local theaters replacing Rocky Horror Picture Show (that counts as a mercy killing in my book). What’s the big deal?

Jeff Bridges did an interview in Rolling Stone, and that subset of the chattering classes is going nuts about The Dude. After enduring season after season of action hero movies (c’mon, how many thousands of movies can be made from the same story arc?), where the toughest – shelled hardass always saves the world, The Dude takes a refreshing and more realistically approach to wearing the hero’s cloak. The dude abides. Iron Man just wraps himself up in a shell and blows everything up.

Back to The Dude. The Dude has the qualities we need to save America. I wish The Dude was running for president. I’m thinking Walter for Veep. Actually he somehow reminds me of Guvpalin. Some quotation’s from The Dude’s platform:

On getting tough on terrorists:

Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter?
Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of.
Walter Sobchak: Fair! WHO'S THE FUCKING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRYBABIES?

Note - the key that there's nothing to be afraid of.

On foreign policy:

Walter Sobchak: Whereas what we have here? A bunch of fig-eaters wearing towels on their heads, trying to find reverse in a Soviet tank. This is not a worthy adversary.

On the economy & foriegn policy:

The Big Lebowski: Are you employed, sir?
The Dude: Employed?
The Big Lebowski: You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?
The Dude: Is this a... what day is this?
The Big Lebowski: Well, I do work sir, so if you don't mind...
The Dude: I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.

The Dude is willing to stand up (Okay, slouch on the couch) for America!

The Dude: Yeah, well. The Dude abides.
The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

The Stranger: I guess that's the way the whole durned human comedy keeps perpetuatin' itself.

That’s my story and I'm sticking to it.

Shanghai Noon in Sacramento

We went to Gold Rush Days in Old Sacramento this weekend. We do this almost every year, since it’s fun to see people dressed to the height of 1850’s fashions, horses and all the historical recreation stuff.. E_Clampus_Vitus , and mountain man types in general were conspicuously absent. No Indians, either. However, one of the musicians who played hurdy gurdy looked like a clamper to me (Drunk guy with a long beard).

Every time we have gone, we always get the story from someone from the Sacramento Chinese American Council. I don’t know why this keeps happening to us. It feels like we’d be rude to cut anyone short, because they all seem so nice. The guy who pulled us in this time is the author of the book this website is pushing. I didn’t realize that until I looked at the picture on the website. Modest guy, I guess.

I suspect we get drawn in because we look like we’re both either dentists or accountants. The Chinese seem to have an affinity for those professions sin these parts

The folks in the society must have a huge need to tell the story, which is actually pretty interesting. Anyway, they gave me some dried plum candies that weren’t bad.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

The Lighter Side of John Phillips Sousa

I have always thought of John Philip Sousa as a somewhat humorless character, the bearded guy in a military style uniform we see in his pictures. This is the guy who wrote, Hail to the flag of the free, may it wave as our standard forever, as the relatively idealistic and heavy lyrics to Stars and Stripes Forever , his most popular composition. Note his words do not include anything about ducks (attributed to Fred Allen). It’s also my favorite encore to play at band concerts, because it is a fun tune, and if you don’t get a standing ovation, you can be sure your band sucks. If you don’t have your own concert band, you can play Stars and Stripes forever on Activision’s Sousaphone Hero.

In his concert tours, Sousa’s favorite encore was a very funny March, The Roosters Lay Eggs in Kansas ,
written by his close friend Mahew Lake. This sounds like something Carl Stalling might have written for a Warner Brothers cartoon. Carl Fischer Publishing dug this out of their archives for release this year, and my band is playing it.

This tune is a hoot, and the band gets to sing. Here’s the lyrics:

The roosters lay eggs in Kansas
The roosters lay eggs in Kansas
The roosters lay eggs as big as beer kegs
The roosters lay eggs in Kansas


This seems so strange from a man who joined the U. S. Marines at age thirteen, believed his greatest composition was the result of Divine inspiration, and took it upon himself to be America’s Salesman in Europe.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I'm Going to Wisconsin in October!

I hope I don't run into these guys...


see Obama pictures

Georgia's on my mind

And now for something completely the same.. .


see Obama pictures

OK, So I Haven’t Written for a Couple of Weeks

My life has not lately produced a flood of bloggable experiences. Therefore, I am forced to share my dorky experiences.

I finally fixed our dryer’s external lint trap and swept out the garage. The sweeping was more like landscaping than a normal cleaning job. I realized that I hadn’t swept the garage since 2003, plus the dryer has been leaking lint for the better part of the year.

I have been tutoring a couple of nights each week, and it looks like this will continue and hopefully increase now that all the darling children are back in school. Parental math anxiety has been heightened by a politically motivated mandate from California’s State Government that all eighth graders must pass algebra starting soon. This work of genius is the one of the best cases against State bureaucratic control of schools I have seen. Currently about ½ of eight graders take Algebra, and about one half of those pass. The other 1/2 can’t add fractions correctly over 1/2 the time. We need to teach arithmetic before we teach Algebra. However, I imagine the State Department of Something or Other will redefine Algebra as something easier. That’s what they have done for the High School Exit Examination , although they still can’t get nearly ¼ of the seniors to pass the test and graduate.\

I read 'Paradise Lost'. That is a very enjoyable read if you ever find yourself in the mood for blank verse iambic pentameter. I don’t know what that means, but everyone agrees 'Paradise Lost' was written that way. Between some rather bring musings, Paradise is a ripping yarn. I can’t believe no one has made the movie. Interestingly, there was no Satan, with the casting out of fallen angels, before Milton dreamed him up. Milton’s biography makes it even more interesting. Milton was a close insider in Cromwell’s revolution and regicide. After the restoration, Milton narrowly escaped the honor of trial followed by ye olde drawing and quartering. Of most interest is that a lot of religious education Kathleen received from her Irish Nun Parochial grammar school teachers originates with this English Protestant. I enjoyed Satan’s musings the most. Satan sounds just like every arrogant corporate executive. Anyway, I can’t wait for the occasion when I can say,’ Better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven'. Notice the iambic pentameter. Cool.

I have been thinking about what kind of short story I could build out of Dante, Milton, and our California’s obsession with Algebra. Progress is slow and not promising.

Geezopete I gotta get a life.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Painless Peanut Sauce

Try this on pasta (preferably flat Chinese noodles) with some vegetables.

One measure peanut butter
Two measures broth
Pepper flakes or cayenne to taste

Nuke in the microwave, whisk until creamy, and stir in your noodles.

This whole thing takes about 2 or 3 minutes, so you can easily do it while noodles are cooking.

Why Music Matters

As we look forward to another season of our music, I want to take a little time for reflection on why we spend our evenings making music. In my family, we spend a total of about twelve hours in our music groups each week. Sometimes I wonder about the value of spending our time this way. After all, we’re missing out on all sorts of shared cultural experiences offered on TV.

I gained a different perspective on this question by looking east, to Estonia. The Estonians’ shared musical heritage, which involves almost all the population’s participation in large group singing festivals, was the spark that ignited their bloodless revolution after nearly 50 years of brutal Soviet occupation. The story of how music saved a nation is the subject of a recently released film, The Singing Revolution (www.singingrevolution.com).

The Singing Revolution became an unstoppable force in September 1988, when 300,000 Estonians, about one quarter of the population, gathered at song a festival to share their musical heritage and openly address their dreams of independence. The rest is history.

For me, this is a reminder that it is in part through our shared culture that we preserve our vital freedom. We nurture our shared culture by participating in community music groups.

Steve Jobs and Pancreas Tumor Rumors

The financial media is abuzz this week with all sorts of speculation about Steve Job’s permanent health. In 1983 Jobs had a neuroendocrine tumor of the pancreas and surgical treatment similar to mine. Jobs has discussed this publicly several times, reassuring investors that he was over this and everything was fine. Somehow, the business community managed to buy his story at face value for the past several years.

However, Jobs has appeared rather thin and gaunt (really thinner and gaunter than usual) at a couple of recent public appearances. This has lead to a flurry of internet rumors early this week, culminating in a 10% drop in Apple’s share price Monday night. The price appears to have recovered through Tuesday, no doubt enriching some day traders.

The rumors began by insinuating that Jobs’s weight loss might be related to the return of some cancer. Over Tuesday and early Wednesday, financial reporters and bloggers dug deeper and figured out that life is not a cake walk after this surgery. In particular, people have figured out this surgery can lead to digestive problems and related weight loss and fatigue.

Although I hate to see anybody, no matter how arrogant and smug they might be, have problems like mine, it is somehow comforting to be reminded that it’s not all in my head. That’s especially comforting after hearing Jobs insinuate for years that the surgery was no big deal for him.

As some Klingon Woman once said to Commander Riker; ”If you cannot stomach Kingon food, would you like me to nurse you?”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Jib Jab is Back in the Campaign!

I laughed all the way through this. Laughed so hard I almost cried.



Hillary's frying pan
McCain's battle tank
Obama's Unicorn.

Who could ask for anything more?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Recorders Don't Get No Respect

This great example of rare Scandanavian humor might explain why.



Michala Petri is one of the world's leading recorder soloists,although after watching this, she appears more like a female Jack Benny.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The Actuary Song

There should be a law against something like this. Fortunately,being "off-broadway",we can rest assured we'll never hear of this again.




That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Thank You, Congress

(Referring to the July 8th, 2008 vote on FISA legislation.)




That's my story,and ain't nobody left to fight for my right to tell it.

And They Call The Left Coast Crazy

Cornhole is taking the Nation by storm!

I stumbled across a craze that I've been told is rocking the Midwest. Here's a promotional photo from the insidious promoters of this most oddly named craze. On their website, they flatly admit that their mission is to introduce their friends and neighbors to the game of Cornhole. Just the kind of friendly neighbors I've always wanted.



Apparently, Cornholing is about tossing beanbags or cornbags through a hole in a box. I like lawn games as much as the next guy, but I wouldn't be caught dead at a cornhole tournament. I get a physical exam every year,and that's enough for me.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I Love My HDTV FATASS

At the MIL’s pleading, we went to Best Buy to each pick up Our Government-subsidized FATASS (Federally Approved Television Antenna Signal Sorter). Peggy has two ancient TVs she doesn’t connect to the cable. They (the TVs, not the MIL) are both too old to be compatible.

What was strange about the Government coupons is that the coupons came with directions advising me that Wal-Mart is the nearest place for me to purchases my FATASS. Speaking of conspiracy theories, get this; the Federal Government is directing citizens to shop at Wal-Mart, WTF. This must have something to do with Hilarity Clinton and the Trilateral Ommission (Didn’t they record with Motown?). I’ve heard talk of an email chain going around suggesting that if Sen. Obama becomes President, we’ll see Hilarity seated as a Supreme Court Justice. I don’t know why, but this doesn’t scare me at all. It could possibly please me. AS long as I have totally strayed from the subject, it’s time for a...

Quick aside on our alternative lifestyle...

We don’t do cable here, however I admit to watching cable shows once or twice a week at the MIL’s place. We also share a Netflix subscription with our quirky neighbor,and we watch movies together a lot. I am OK with cable and netflix if they bring people together. By rocking against the corporate individualistic paradigm, we can consume the goods and still avoid the isolation that is part and parcel of the consumer experience in our corporate age. Oh yes, we can also maintain the smugness.

Getting back to the story...

I installed the FATASS, and I must say FATASS + HDTV + rabbit ears = total kick ass reception! Our reception for all the local channels is crystal clear. In addition, we get two extra channels from our local public TV station, and 24 hour news and weather program from two of the local network affiliates. If I knew I could get this before the official HDTV doomsday, I would have done this earlier. Now I can actually see all the local stations using my rabbit ears. Take that, Comcast!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Oh My Gawd Submariners Nelson & Crane!

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea!

You can watch all the episodes of that great 1960's TV classic right here on the internets. Alas, they have Battlestar Galactica, but no Star Trek. All brought to you by sponsors, with relatively short and infrequent adds.

This is soooo much easier than getting a life!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

That Was Cool, Heh Heh

While hanging with the inlaws by Santa Cruz,I had a chance to take "Mother-of-my-great niece-but-not-married-to-my-nephew-so-maybe-not-really-a-niece" to the boardwalk,with its old wooden rollercoaster. Check out the virtual and less nauseating experience.It totally kicked ass!. You may recognize this as where Darty harry shot the "do-you-feel-lucky-today-punk" in Sudden Impact.

We liked it so much we rode it twice (and didn't get shot even once). I finally found someone who goes for my cool uncle act!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

My Pledge

I pledge allegiance
to the malls
of the Ubiquitous States of Generica
and to the consumers,
for which it stands,
one culture,
uniform,
with banality and conformity for all.

Credit to Prof. dmlaub2 who posts on the Simple Living network.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Dante’s Inferno – A Trip to Hell with Two Poets

Somehow I woke up one morning with the inexplicable desire to read Christian allegories. I think this is a continuation of my compulsion to read books that people like to pretend they’ve read and use as sources for pseudo-intellectual references.

I’ve completed Hell, part one of the Divine Comedy, and I’m working my way through Part 2, Purgatory. Since this book has been notated, analyzed and PHD Dissertated to death, I thought I’d focus on my personal reactions and reflections. After all, it’s all about me. Right?

My reading has been coached via email by a Yale Italian Literature Professor who happens to contribute to some bulletin board discussions I frequent. Finding her was a stroke of luck, although I suspect she thinks I am a shallow moron. I look at this writing like Science Fiction and political discourse in verse, while she finds a rich source of universal truths. Alas. I have also found Dorothy L. Sayers’s notes to be a big help. A lot of the action and important conversations hinge on late 13th and early 14th Century Italian politics, as well as the characters in Virgil’s works, especially the Troy-boys of the Aeneid. This takes some help to understand. And, yes I speak of the same Dorothy Sayers who wrote “The Nine Tailors”.

What the Hell?

Hell is divided into nine levels, not seven levels as I thought I had heard. The levels are not organized on the basis of the Seven Deadly Sins, although some levels do correspond to the old PLACESG (Pride, Lust, Anger, Covetousness, Envy, Sloth, and Gluttony). The penguin sisters from Cork made Kathleen memorize these in school, and I guess she taught me the list. I think the source of confusion is that Purgatory is organized according to the deadly sins. Rest assured, there are far more than seven ways to earn an eternity in Hell.

I found several of the punishments to be amusing (almost as funny as when demons tried to suffocate Homer Simpson with donuts) and actually fitting to the crimes, in a humongous exaggerated way. Shit!, I’ve just committed the sin of Envy by thinking and typing that. On the subject of my eternal soul’s well-being, I was disappointed that post-Jesus Jews did not receive any special treatment. We probably burn in our tombs with the rest of the heretics, unless our punishment is too grisly even for Dante to share.

What’s so great about Hell, anyway?

Of course the Gate of Hell’s inscription, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”.

Cheron ferries the damned souls (Dante calls them shades) across the river Acheron. He uses oars to power the ferry, when he’s not using the oars to beat his passengers sensless. There is no shortage of blows to the head in Hell. This was the first of several times I had to stop and ask myself, “Is this a Christian or ancient Greek allegory?”

The lustful are blown around by winds, while, one level lower, the gluttonous wallow in a mire. Gluttons need to keep low in the muck, since Cerberus (a three headed dog) roves the joint looking for sinners to chew on. I was surprised that adultery gets a relatively minor penalty when compared to taking too many second helpings. Perjaps they were anticipating Martin Luther?

Those who committed violence against their neighbors hang out in a river of boiling blood. Sounds like a recipe for czerninia, eh?

Flatterers are thrown into a giant outhouse pit. Something about the obsequious in filth is wonderful. When an old acquaintance of Dante’s surfaces to talk, Dante is horrified by the dried crap caked on his face. I don’t know how Hell, Inc. does this, since no one eats in hell. They must import the waste from a feedlot.

Crooked popes are placed head down in holes while their feet constantly burn. If you keep the pointy hat on, you could probably use a drill to install them. That’d be cool, heh, heh.

Crooked public officials are dropped in a pit of boiling pitch. If they stick up their head, a demon picks them up with a hook and tosses them back in. Dante gets to see an old friend get that treatment.

Thieves turn into giant reptiles and live in a pit. Cool! Dinosaurs!

Dante comes to the sad realization that almost everyone he knew in positions of authority in his beloved Tuscany appears to be in Hell.

“Sowers of Discord” are constantly being cut to pieces with swords. Possibly George Washington would have fit into this category, since he sewed discord among formally loyal British subject. Maybe God doesn’t love America more than everyone else. Nah, couldn’t be.

Traitors are frozen up to the neck in ice. If you’re a traitor, you need to be careful, because if your hole is set too close to another hole, you may find your neighbor eating your brain. I hate when that happens. Dante didn’t find that too amusing either. Virgil didn’t seem to care. Actually Virgil doesn’t seem to care about much. Maybe 1,000 years in Limbo makes you mellow.

I am plodding through Purgatory, which seems richer in allegory but leaner in theatrical entertainment. I have “Paradise Lost” on order form Amazon, so the Christian allegorapalooza will continue.

Oh, I forgot to mention… I can’t even imagine how anyone believes this crap.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. And if you say otherwise, t’hell wittya.

Chicken Pluckers - Explicit Internet Photos!!!

I'm not a chicken plucker nor a chicken plucker's son,but I stumbled across this incredible blog about the task in backyard chicken farming no one seems to want to talk about; How do you transform a yardbird into drumsticks and soup? Once I started reading this, I couldn't stop.

That's my chicken-plucking story and I'm sticking to it.

What Will You do WIth Your 15 Minutes?

If it's true that we each get our 15 minutes of fame,I tip my hat to these two young men from Scotland for their brilliant use of their moment.



Ramones & Ukeleles.. . it's like peanut butter and chocolate!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

PIRATES!! Under the Black Flag

Under the Black Flag

by David Cordingly


I just finished reading this great non-fiction book about pirates. In 1992 I saw an exhibition about Pirates in the British National Maritime Museum in Greenwich, England. And, yes, the neighboring observatory does feature the Greenwich Meridian as a line of thin tiles on the observatory’s floor.

My interest in pirates was rekindled Years back I had seen an exhibit about pirates in the same museum. It turns out Cordingly was responsible for that exhibit. The exhibit was presented in the from of a giant comic book.

“Under the Black Flag tells about pirates real and imagined. He manages to integrate chapters about pirate movies and movie pirates with in-depth and entertaining descriptions of the lives, vessels and exploits of pirates and pirate hunters from the late 16th (Frances Drake) through the early 18th century (Black beard). The book is bursting with privateers, corsairs, buccaneers and British and Spanish naval and merchant sailors. After reading about the lives of merchant seamen, it’s no surprise that so many were willing to sign on with pirates.

It’s interesting that when we think of pirates, the first characters that come to my mind are Black beard and Captain Kidd, who had rather short careers as pirate captains before being killed by the British navy or the hangman. One of the reason we remember these pirates so well is that the Admiralty wasn’t shy about spreading stories about the pirates they caught, as well as waiving their iron-banded and rotting bodies in front of the seamen to place fear in that pathetic lot.

Most of the book deals with European pirates, although there is mention of the toughest pirate in the 19th century China Sea, only know as Mrs. Cheng. Not surprisingly, we don’t have a lot of details about the pirates who didn’t get caught, with the exception of the government-sanctioned privateers in the 16th and 17th century. (aside – most of the music I play could probably be a soundtrack for this story.

After Drake, Henry Morgan was probably the greatest British pirate. He enjoyed the semi-legitimate label of privateer, invading and occupying several Spanish treasure ports around 1670 to 1675. After peace broke out between Spain and England, Morgan continued harassing the Spanish and French, until he was arrested by the Admiralty, and sent to London as a prisoner. Rather than facing trial, he was knighted by the king, and returned to Jamaica in the role of Lieutenant Governor, where he drank himself to death in a couple of years. Morgan’s exploits in the Spanish treasure ports are unbelievable, involving all sorts of deceptions, confused oxen roaming around battlefields,and,best of all, a pantomime pirate ship. It all reads like something out of Monty_Python's_Flying_Circus .

An entire chapter is devoted to the exploits of Ann Bonny and Mary Read, two female pirates-in-drag who served aboard the ship of Calico John Rackham, but after capture in Jamaica, were tired separately from the male pirates. The testimony from crew and passengers of ships their group had boarded proved that these women were true pirates. They were amazing characters. After being sentenced to hanging (even the judges were impressed with their pirate bona fides) they both admitted they were pregnant. The sentences were reprieved after examination. Ann Bonny died in prison of a tropical fever soon thereafter, however nothing is known of the fate of Mary Read or her child.

This book overflows with great stories like these (including Captain Kidd & the buried treasure).
Be not a scalawag. Iffen ye be wantin ta read bout pirates, This be yer treasure.

Arrghhhh, That be me story and to it I be stickin.

The Black Gate of Gondor

Yet another reason why they don't let mathematicians become King of all Men.


more graph humor and song chart memes

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Which Girls Cry?

I couldn't resist this chart. This graphjam.com website reminds me of all those years in consulting.



more graph humor and song chart memes

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I Know What You Were Doing in 1974

more graph humor and song chart memes

Man, I was fast as lightning.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Mark Twain’s Roughing It

I have always wanted to read this book, so when I saw a paperback copy of “Roughing it” at the SPCA used book sale, I coughed up the $1.75 and jumped in. It was wellworth the money. I recommend this book, however, you might want to overlook the chapters about Hawaii, which suck. The rest of the book is great.

I enjoyed the mildly self-effacing humor that runs through most of the book. I recommend this book for anyone interested in the old west or in mark Twain.

The story is told in an autobiographical manner, although I am sure plenty of what’s written fantasy. The story starts with Twain’s leaving St Joseph to act, for three months, as secretary for his brother, the appointed Secretary of the Nevada Territory. He stayed in the west for seven years. The book includes over seventy chapters, but can be divided into a few sections; the stagecoach trip, Brigham Young’s Mormon Kingdom, Nevada territory, California, Hawaii, and a brief and funny description of the genesis of Twain’s speaking career.

The book starts with a detailed account of the provisions Twain and his brother gathered for the trip, most of which they jettisoned in St Joseph, due to the limited luggage allowance for the stagecoach. The trip out west is a series of stories of the rogues and ruffians who made their lives in and around the stations stretched every 20 miles or so from St Joseph to Sacramento. These chapters introduce the underlying theme of the story, which is Twain’s reluctance to exert effort except when absolutely necessary and the failures he experiences whenever he tries to do anything. His unapologetic manner in these issues is what makes the book engaging.

Twain was amazed by the Mormon kingdom Brigham Young had established in America, and he was uncomfortable with the Mormon ways especially polygamy. I suspect he never dared set foot anywhere Deseret after this book was published. In an appendix he provides a damning account of the Mountain Meadows Massacre,where militias under the control of Joseph Smith committed a dastardly crime.

Life in Nevada and California is described as an unending string of almost becoming a millionaire, and then losing everything. I wonder if, when Twain wrote this in 1871, he had any premonition that this personal cycle of almost boom and total bust would haunt him throughout the rest of his life. The Nevada chapters include a lot of almost technical descriptions of mining techniques, which helped me understand some of the strange leftovers from 19th century prospecting I have seen while hiking in the Sierra foothills.

I will not speak of the chapters set in Hawaii, beyond saying that they sucked totally, and Twains revulsion and fascination with the what he viewed as the often nude and libertine of the natives . It’s hard to believe the same author wrote “Letters from the Earth” later in his life.

Overall, I found this to be a good read, although it tends to drag in some places. There are anecdotes that are simply too good to miss.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

WTF? Shut up Wesley!

Wil Wesley Wheaton Crusher has shown up playing “Mushy Shorts” on the Gorgeous Tiny Chicken Machine Show . This defies explanation, so you’ll need to see it for yourself. I am very impressed with Wesley’s beard. It seems every year he grows to more and more resemble Commander Riker.

Anyway, here’s the Gorgeous Tiny Chicken Machine Show. If you understand this, please explain it to me.



My pathetic situation of blogging about Wil Weaton has not escaped unnoticed. This must be a muffled cry for help. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

My Day in Reform School

My recorder consort, Sine Nomine, visited a reform school in Marysville, a small and impoverished city about 50miles north of Sacramento. It is notable that the Chamber of Commerce chose to present only historical photos on their website. That says it all. Houses in Marysville tend to go for Midwestern prices or lower, however, the community offers almost no jobs.

The small reform school we visited teaches the Waldorf program. All students in Waldorf schools do art and music in the afternoon. Each week ends with a short afternoon concert, where the students’ music groups perform. The school requires all the kids learn music by playing recorder in small groups. That’s the cheapest effective way to teach music, and it’s well entrenched in the modern German culture from which Waldorf arises. The teachers asked us to play a concert near the end of the year. Although the students did a great job of listening, I suspect I learned more than most of them in our afternoon together.

The school has about 60 students, all high school aged. The students come to the school through either the County’s juvenile justice system, or disciplinary expulsion from the public schools. Extreme discipline is the underlying principle of the school’s operation. Of all the students, only one consistently avoids detentions. Of course, when they raffled off a pass to get out of 30 minutes of detention, that kid won the raffle. It did raise the question in my mind that, “If this kid can follow rules so well, what’s he doing in this school?”. It’s probably best not to know.

The teachers told us that almost all the students are involved in gang activity, and I have to admit the kids looked pretty tough to me. The schools mandatory uniform is blue jeans and white t-shirts, which made the kids look even tougher. I was surprised that several of the older boys sported goatees. We and the teachers were all pleased that it turns out the best and most enthusiastic recorder player in the school is also reputed to be the toughest kid. This kid was over 6 feet tall, stocky and muscular. I was tempted to ask him to borrow his baggy jeans so I could use them as a four-person camping tent. I somehow managed to resist that temptation. The teachers said his enthusiasm has been a big help, since every boy new to the school would initially object to playing a “gay flute”, until the tough guy gave them a look. I enjoyed spending time with the students, however I probably would not have enjoyed meeting them at 1 AM, unless I was looking to score meth or “whatever the kids are calling it these days”.

We played two 20 minute sets of 16th and 17th Century music. We played tow galliards by John Dowland ,and two strange sounding galliards by Carlo_Gesualdo , whose music sounds like what you’d get if Miles Davis wrote strange harmonic incidental music for Shakespeare’s plays. Gueswaldo, the Prince of Venosa, was well known in his time for a murder so brutal even 16th Century Europe was scandalized. And better yet, he had a servant whose job was to periodically whip his master. Of course, with all this to recommend him, Gueswaldo has of late become a favorite composer in Sine Nomine’s repertoire.

Between our sets, the student’s groups played. I was very impressed with the silence and attention the students gave us when we played. If my tutoring students gave me the same degree of attention, I bet they’d get better grades. Unfortunately, the students were not as polite to their peers as they were to us. Several more detentions were assigned. One of the teachers took some pictures, which he will hopefully remember to email to me. I will share them as soon as I get them (if I get them).

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

How to Spend Your Tax Rebate

Every American needs to see this important informational video from the Federal Government. Your family's happiness will depend on following these instructions.




That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Covert Operations of My Al Gebra Sleeper Cell

Today’s Pearls Before Swine comic strip sums up what’s wrong with Algebra in our schools.

Here in California, the educational bureaucracy has more or less legislated that Algebra proficiency is a big deal. Students are subject to two batteries of testing.

The State requires STAR Testing (Stupid Tests Are Required) as its effort in complying with the Federal No Child Left Behind excuse for education policy. Every State has to do something like this. STAR tests are used to evaluate school-wide performance, as well as to cull students into three broad categories; below proficiency, proficiency, and above proficiency. Students’ individual results are used to place them in remedial, standard, or accelerated classes. Anyone remember “tracking’ from the 1960s? The Star testing process takes two to three weeks out of the instruction schedule. The actual tests take less than a week to administer, but the schools spend a couple of weeks before the tests reinforcing test-taking skills (an orgy of drill-and-kill instruction), rather than moving forward in the course syllabus. Schools feel pressure to cram their students for the STAR tests because disappointing school-wide performance will result in funding reductions and the threat of school closure.

As if STAR testing isn’t enough, students must pass another test to demonstrate the rather modest level of Algebra and English proficiency required to get a High School Diploma in California, thanks to the infinite wisdom of our legislature. Perhaps if the legislature required math proficiency from themselves, we could get a reasonable budget some day. This introduces another battery of tests called the California High School Exit Exam (CAHSEE) . The first lines of the first two tables in the incredibly long and boring report in this link tells the story; about 25% percent of students fail this test in their sophomore years, but only 5% to 10% fail when tested again in their senior year. Schools get their failing sophomores into intensive test-taking drill programs to get them through the test. That takes kids who aren’t learning as well as average out of their instruction. Brilliant, I say. After all, I can’t tell you how many employers have told me that they need kids with advanced multiple choice test-taking skills. As an aside, note the scores for “economically disadvantaged students”. In addition to all the other great virtues of this graduation requirement, it also helps assure that 25% of poor children will grow up to be poor adults. Hip Hip Hooray. Certainly, the best way to solve any social problem is by punishing the poor (see the recent California Budget May Revise).

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

An Afternoon at the Opera

I found this image of the original poster for Tosca in Wikipedia.

We saw Tosca produced by the Sacramento Opera. It was a good performance. The orchestra and the singers were great.


On the way home, I reflected on the many valuable lessons I have learned from opera;

Never declare your undying love. Although your love may be eternal, you and your lover are certain to be dead with the next hour. Just bottle it up and live.

Sexual predators are well advised to not leave daggers within the reach of their victim. Pay particular attention to this if the victim is Italian.

The human body is capable of singing arias for at least fifteen minutes after a violent death. This fascinating phenomenon is known as Rigaletto Mortis.

If you support a liberating army while simultaneously in love with a Woman who sings all the time, your army will be victorious, most likely within an hour after your death.

Boring people who don’t sing live forever.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I Was a Shill for Public Radio

A fellow member of the Sacramento Recorder Society talked about eight of us into staffing the phones for the most recent of Capitol Public Radio’s (CPR’s)far too often on-air fundraisings. We covered all the phones for about two hours on Saturday afternoon. I came with Recorder Society promotional talking points in hand. The on-air personalities took the notes and read them on their shows.

That’s step one in my secret plan for world domination, control the media and the American public will slavishly cater to my every whim. I wish I had thought of this diabolical scheme before General Electricput it into action.

We arrived early and were given a tour of the facilities. The furnishings looked spacious and pricey, and the electronic equipment looked costly. No wonder why they need to beg for money so often. Answering the phones was easy, and everyone we met at the station was nice, and there was good food from Jealousy Catering in the room where we worked, plus a freezer stocked with ice cream bars in the attached kitchen.

We took just over 70 or 80 calls in total. Capital Public Radio operates two radio stations in the Sacramento area. I learned something from the programming that ran while we answered phones.


KXJZ, The NPR talk and Jazz station featured Mick Martin’s Blues party. Mick is a well loved character in the Sacramento community, as well as among musicians, and the Blues Party kicks ass. His selections lean more toward rocking and rolling R&B type arrangements than the more down-home Southern style of Bob Johnson and other early Delta Bluesmen. Several callers (none with southern accents) called us to whine that Mick was not playing enough “real blues”. We also had a call from a guy in jail who wanted to hear the Allman Brothers. Mick said he isn’t even sure if he wants to call the Allmans blues or rock. He didn’t seem too concerned. He didn’t have any Allman brothers in his collections, so I hope the prisoner was happy with whatever Mick played. Just goes to show you can’t please everyone. This show brought us our share of drunk callers. Was it Aesop, or was it Donald Trump, who wrote, “A drunk with a valid credit card is a friend indeed”.

KXPR,the Classical Station, featured two hour-long shows, Sound and Spirit,and Harmonia. Sound and spirit is a new age music show with an announcer who, like so many other flakes, never shuts up. Harmonia is an early music show produced by the University of Indiana in Bloomington, which is an international early music powerhouse. It really is, no kidding. We targeted our volunteering hours to coincide with Harmonia, so any suspects for new members would hear our plug read over the air.

At the end of our hours, the tally showed that 100% of our callers were listening to the Blues party. The other shows did not produce a single call! I am still pondering the meaning of this.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.