Shopping at The Mall - What Was I Thinking?

I went to Arden Fair, a major enclosed shopping mall in Sacramento, one of the few around here where most of the stores are still in business. I had a particular shopping mission in mind - I need black shirts to wear with a music group.

The mall is called Arden fair because it is on Arden way in Sacramento. The unincorporated area of the county in which I live is called Arden Arcade ,which you can see has its share of wingnuts. About two miles east of my house, Arden Way ends at the Sacramento River by Arden Bar, where gold was once found but dang if I can find any. I honestly have no idea how the Arden name came to this area. Perhaps some Fourty-Niner liked Shakespeare.

I forgot what a useless pain in the ass trying to find something in a mall really is when you actually want some specific item. That's not how the game is played. Malls simple aren't equipped for buying something you actually need. It's all about the impulse buy.

Based on what I saw today, I guess the shopping game is supposed to be played like this:

Step 1: Wander around with rounded shoulders and slack jaw. If you are wearing a hooded sweatshirt and pants with the waist hanging around your knees, go directly to step 5.

Step 2: See something shiny in a store window.

Step 3: Drool, take out your cell phone and say, "I'd look cute in that", while you tuck your belly back into your stretch pants.

Step 4: Buy something shiny.

Step 5: Buy something sugary and/or greasy, shove it in your mouth, and go home.

I went to four stores that had black long-sleeved shirts. They all had about the same designs (oxford dress shirt), the same fabric (cotton and way too much polyester for black in April in Sacramento), and widely varying prices (about $18 to $60).

After wasting over an hour this way, I gave up and bought a couple of shirts from Lands End on the interwebs. I waited long enough that I'm not sure the shirts willcome in time for the first concert. i can just wear a worn old shirt if I have to. That's better than polyester, and stage attire only needes to look good from far. I don't know why I didn't just order thuis stuff in the interwebs first. This has happened every time this century I've tried to find and buy something in a mall.

I'm not just a big grouch, really. As I walked by the center of the mall, the Easter Bunny was posing for a photo with two beaming pleasingly plump young women on his(?) lap (What gender is the easter Bunny, anyway? Discuss amongst yourselves). I waved, and all three waved back. That was the high point of the mall for me.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.