The Lighter Side of John Phillips Sousa

I have always thought of John Philip Sousa as a somewhat humorless character, the bearded guy in a military style uniform we see in his pictures. This is the guy who wrote, Hail to the flag of the free, may it wave as our standard forever, as the relatively idealistic and heavy lyrics to Stars and Stripes Forever , his most popular composition. Note his words do not include anything about ducks (attributed to Fred Allen). It’s also my favorite encore to play at band concerts, because it is a fun tune, and if you don’t get a standing ovation, you can be sure your band sucks. If you don’t have your own concert band, you can play Stars and Stripes forever on Activision’s Sousaphone Hero.

In his concert tours, Sousa’s favorite encore was a very funny March, The Roosters Lay Eggs in Kansas ,
written by his close friend Mahew Lake. This sounds like something Carl Stalling might have written for a Warner Brothers cartoon. Carl Fischer Publishing dug this out of their archives for release this year, and my band is playing it.

This tune is a hoot, and the band gets to sing. Here’s the lyrics:

The roosters lay eggs in Kansas
The roosters lay eggs in Kansas
The roosters lay eggs as big as beer kegs
The roosters lay eggs in Kansas


This seems so strange from a man who joined the U. S. Marines at age thirteen, believed his greatest composition was the result of Divine inspiration, and took it upon himself to be America’s Salesman in Europe.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

I'm Going to Wisconsin in October!

I hope I don't run into these guys...


see Obama pictures

Georgia's on my mind

And now for something completely the same.. .


see Obama pictures

OK, So I Haven’t Written for a Couple of Weeks

My life has not lately produced a flood of bloggable experiences. Therefore, I am forced to share my dorky experiences.

I finally fixed our dryer’s external lint trap and swept out the garage. The sweeping was more like landscaping than a normal cleaning job. I realized that I hadn’t swept the garage since 2003, plus the dryer has been leaking lint for the better part of the year.

I have been tutoring a couple of nights each week, and it looks like this will continue and hopefully increase now that all the darling children are back in school. Parental math anxiety has been heightened by a politically motivated mandate from California’s State Government that all eighth graders must pass algebra starting soon. This work of genius is the one of the best cases against State bureaucratic control of schools I have seen. Currently about ½ of eight graders take Algebra, and about one half of those pass. The other 1/2 can’t add fractions correctly over 1/2 the time. We need to teach arithmetic before we teach Algebra. However, I imagine the State Department of Something or Other will redefine Algebra as something easier. That’s what they have done for the High School Exit Examination , although they still can’t get nearly ¼ of the seniors to pass the test and graduate.\

I read 'Paradise Lost'. That is a very enjoyable read if you ever find yourself in the mood for blank verse iambic pentameter. I don’t know what that means, but everyone agrees 'Paradise Lost' was written that way. Between some rather bring musings, Paradise is a ripping yarn. I can’t believe no one has made the movie. Interestingly, there was no Satan, with the casting out of fallen angels, before Milton dreamed him up. Milton’s biography makes it even more interesting. Milton was a close insider in Cromwell’s revolution and regicide. After the restoration, Milton narrowly escaped the honor of trial followed by ye olde drawing and quartering. Of most interest is that a lot of religious education Kathleen received from her Irish Nun Parochial grammar school teachers originates with this English Protestant. I enjoyed Satan’s musings the most. Satan sounds just like every arrogant corporate executive. Anyway, I can’t wait for the occasion when I can say,’ Better to reign in hell than to serve in heaven'. Notice the iambic pentameter. Cool.

I have been thinking about what kind of short story I could build out of Dante, Milton, and our California’s obsession with Algebra. Progress is slow and not promising.

Geezopete I gotta get a life.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Painless Peanut Sauce

Try this on pasta (preferably flat Chinese noodles) with some vegetables.

One measure peanut butter
Two measures broth
Pepper flakes or cayenne to taste

Nuke in the microwave, whisk until creamy, and stir in your noodles.

This whole thing takes about 2 or 3 minutes, so you can easily do it while noodles are cooking.

Why Music Matters

As we look forward to another season of our music, I want to take a little time for reflection on why we spend our evenings making music. In my family, we spend a total of about twelve hours in our music groups each week. Sometimes I wonder about the value of spending our time this way. After all, we’re missing out on all sorts of shared cultural experiences offered on TV.

I gained a different perspective on this question by looking east, to Estonia. The Estonians’ shared musical heritage, which involves almost all the population’s participation in large group singing festivals, was the spark that ignited their bloodless revolution after nearly 50 years of brutal Soviet occupation. The story of how music saved a nation is the subject of a recently released film, The Singing Revolution (www.singingrevolution.com).

The Singing Revolution became an unstoppable force in September 1988, when 300,000 Estonians, about one quarter of the population, gathered at song a festival to share their musical heritage and openly address their dreams of independence. The rest is history.

For me, this is a reminder that it is in part through our shared culture that we preserve our vital freedom. We nurture our shared culture by participating in community music groups.

Steve Jobs and Pancreas Tumor Rumors

The financial media is abuzz this week with all sorts of speculation about Steve Job’s permanent health. In 1983 Jobs had a neuroendocrine tumor of the pancreas and surgical treatment similar to mine. Jobs has discussed this publicly several times, reassuring investors that he was over this and everything was fine. Somehow, the business community managed to buy his story at face value for the past several years.

However, Jobs has appeared rather thin and gaunt (really thinner and gaunter than usual) at a couple of recent public appearances. This has lead to a flurry of internet rumors early this week, culminating in a 10% drop in Apple’s share price Monday night. The price appears to have recovered through Tuesday, no doubt enriching some day traders.

The rumors began by insinuating that Jobs’s weight loss might be related to the return of some cancer. Over Tuesday and early Wednesday, financial reporters and bloggers dug deeper and figured out that life is not a cake walk after this surgery. In particular, people have figured out this surgery can lead to digestive problems and related weight loss and fatigue.

Although I hate to see anybody, no matter how arrogant and smug they might be, have problems like mine, it is somehow comforting to be reminded that it’s not all in my head. That’s especially comforting after hearing Jobs insinuate for years that the surgery was no big deal for him.

As some Klingon Woman once said to Commander Riker; ”If you cannot stomach Kingon food, would you like me to nurse you?”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Jib Jab is Back in the Campaign!

I laughed all the way through this. Laughed so hard I almost cried.



Hillary's frying pan
McCain's battle tank
Obama's Unicorn.

Who could ask for anything more?

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Recorders Don't Get No Respect

This great example of rare Scandanavian humor might explain why.



Michala Petri is one of the world's leading recorder soloists,although after watching this, she appears more like a female Jack Benny.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

The Actuary Song

There should be a law against something like this. Fortunately,being "off-broadway",we can rest assured we'll never hear of this again.




That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Thank You, Congress

(Referring to the July 8th, 2008 vote on FISA legislation.)




That's my story,and ain't nobody left to fight for my right to tell it.

And They Call The Left Coast Crazy

Cornhole is taking the Nation by storm!

I stumbled across a craze that I've been told is rocking the Midwest. Here's a promotional photo from the insidious promoters of this most oddly named craze. On their website, they flatly admit that their mission is to introduce their friends and neighbors to the game of Cornhole. Just the kind of friendly neighbors I've always wanted.



Apparently, Cornholing is about tossing beanbags or cornbags through a hole in a box. I like lawn games as much as the next guy, but I wouldn't be caught dead at a cornhole tournament. I get a physical exam every year,and that's enough for me.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

I Love My HDTV FATASS

At the MIL’s pleading, we went to Best Buy to each pick up Our Government-subsidized FATASS (Federally Approved Television Antenna Signal Sorter). Peggy has two ancient TVs she doesn’t connect to the cable. They (the TVs, not the MIL) are both too old to be compatible.

What was strange about the Government coupons is that the coupons came with directions advising me that Wal-Mart is the nearest place for me to purchases my FATASS. Speaking of conspiracy theories, get this; the Federal Government is directing citizens to shop at Wal-Mart, WTF. This must have something to do with Hilarity Clinton and the Trilateral Ommission (Didn’t they record with Motown?). I’ve heard talk of an email chain going around suggesting that if Sen. Obama becomes President, we’ll see Hilarity seated as a Supreme Court Justice. I don’t know why, but this doesn’t scare me at all. It could possibly please me. AS long as I have totally strayed from the subject, it’s time for a...

Quick aside on our alternative lifestyle...

We don’t do cable here, however I admit to watching cable shows once or twice a week at the MIL’s place. We also share a Netflix subscription with our quirky neighbor,and we watch movies together a lot. I am OK with cable and netflix if they bring people together. By rocking against the corporate individualistic paradigm, we can consume the goods and still avoid the isolation that is part and parcel of the consumer experience in our corporate age. Oh yes, we can also maintain the smugness.

Getting back to the story...

I installed the FATASS, and I must say FATASS + HDTV + rabbit ears = total kick ass reception! Our reception for all the local channels is crystal clear. In addition, we get two extra channels from our local public TV station, and 24 hour news and weather program from two of the local network affiliates. If I knew I could get this before the official HDTV doomsday, I would have done this earlier. Now I can actually see all the local stations using my rabbit ears. Take that, Comcast!

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Oh My Gawd Submariners Nelson & Crane!

Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea!

You can watch all the episodes of that great 1960's TV classic right here on the internets. Alas, they have Battlestar Galactica, but no Star Trek. All brought to you by sponsors, with relatively short and infrequent adds.

This is soooo much easier than getting a life!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

That Was Cool, Heh Heh

While hanging with the inlaws by Santa Cruz,I had a chance to take "Mother-of-my-great niece-but-not-married-to-my-nephew-so-maybe-not-really-a-niece" to the boardwalk,with its old wooden rollercoaster. Check out the virtual and less nauseating experience.It totally kicked ass!. You may recognize this as where Darty harry shot the "do-you-feel-lucky-today-punk" in Sudden Impact.

We liked it so much we rode it twice (and didn't get shot even once). I finally found someone who goes for my cool uncle act!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

My Pledge

I pledge allegiance
to the malls
of the Ubiquitous States of Generica
and to the consumers,
for which it stands,
one culture,
uniform,
with banality and conformity for all.

Credit to Prof. dmlaub2 who posts on the Simple Living network.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Dante’s Inferno – A Trip to Hell with Two Poets

Somehow I woke up one morning with the inexplicable desire to read Christian allegories. I think this is a continuation of my compulsion to read books that people like to pretend they’ve read and use as sources for pseudo-intellectual references.

I’ve completed Hell, part one of the Divine Comedy, and I’m working my way through Part 2, Purgatory. Since this book has been notated, analyzed and PHD Dissertated to death, I thought I’d focus on my personal reactions and reflections. After all, it’s all about me. Right?

My reading has been coached via email by a Yale Italian Literature Professor who happens to contribute to some bulletin board discussions I frequent. Finding her was a stroke of luck, although I suspect she thinks I am a shallow moron. I look at this writing like Science Fiction and political discourse in verse, while she finds a rich source of universal truths. Alas. I have also found Dorothy L. Sayers’s notes to be a big help. A lot of the action and important conversations hinge on late 13th and early 14th Century Italian politics, as well as the characters in Virgil’s works, especially the Troy-boys of the Aeneid. This takes some help to understand. And, yes I speak of the same Dorothy Sayers who wrote “The Nine Tailors”.

What the Hell?

Hell is divided into nine levels, not seven levels as I thought I had heard. The levels are not organized on the basis of the Seven Deadly Sins, although some levels do correspond to the old PLACESG (Pride, Lust, Anger, Covetousness, Envy, Sloth, and Gluttony). The penguin sisters from Cork made Kathleen memorize these in school, and I guess she taught me the list. I think the source of confusion is that Purgatory is organized according to the deadly sins. Rest assured, there are far more than seven ways to earn an eternity in Hell.

I found several of the punishments to be amusing (almost as funny as when demons tried to suffocate Homer Simpson with donuts) and actually fitting to the crimes, in a humongous exaggerated way. Shit!, I’ve just committed the sin of Envy by thinking and typing that. On the subject of my eternal soul’s well-being, I was disappointed that post-Jesus Jews did not receive any special treatment. We probably burn in our tombs with the rest of the heretics, unless our punishment is too grisly even for Dante to share.

What’s so great about Hell, anyway?

Of course the Gate of Hell’s inscription, “Abandon all hope, ye who enter here”.

Cheron ferries the damned souls (Dante calls them shades) across the river Acheron. He uses oars to power the ferry, when he’s not using the oars to beat his passengers sensless. There is no shortage of blows to the head in Hell. This was the first of several times I had to stop and ask myself, “Is this a Christian or ancient Greek allegory?”

The lustful are blown around by winds, while, one level lower, the gluttonous wallow in a mire. Gluttons need to keep low in the muck, since Cerberus (a three headed dog) roves the joint looking for sinners to chew on. I was surprised that adultery gets a relatively minor penalty when compared to taking too many second helpings. Perjaps they were anticipating Martin Luther?

Those who committed violence against their neighbors hang out in a river of boiling blood. Sounds like a recipe for czerninia, eh?

Flatterers are thrown into a giant outhouse pit. Something about the obsequious in filth is wonderful. When an old acquaintance of Dante’s surfaces to talk, Dante is horrified by the dried crap caked on his face. I don’t know how Hell, Inc. does this, since no one eats in hell. They must import the waste from a feedlot.

Crooked popes are placed head down in holes while their feet constantly burn. If you keep the pointy hat on, you could probably use a drill to install them. That’d be cool, heh, heh.

Crooked public officials are dropped in a pit of boiling pitch. If they stick up their head, a demon picks them up with a hook and tosses them back in. Dante gets to see an old friend get that treatment.

Thieves turn into giant reptiles and live in a pit. Cool! Dinosaurs!

Dante comes to the sad realization that almost everyone he knew in positions of authority in his beloved Tuscany appears to be in Hell.

“Sowers of Discord” are constantly being cut to pieces with swords. Possibly George Washington would have fit into this category, since he sewed discord among formally loyal British subject. Maybe God doesn’t love America more than everyone else. Nah, couldn’t be.

Traitors are frozen up to the neck in ice. If you’re a traitor, you need to be careful, because if your hole is set too close to another hole, you may find your neighbor eating your brain. I hate when that happens. Dante didn’t find that too amusing either. Virgil didn’t seem to care. Actually Virgil doesn’t seem to care about much. Maybe 1,000 years in Limbo makes you mellow.

I am plodding through Purgatory, which seems richer in allegory but leaner in theatrical entertainment. I have “Paradise Lost” on order form Amazon, so the Christian allegorapalooza will continue.

Oh, I forgot to mention… I can’t even imagine how anyone believes this crap.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. And if you say otherwise, t’hell wittya.

Chicken Pluckers - Explicit Internet Photos!!!

I'm not a chicken plucker nor a chicken plucker's son,but I stumbled across this incredible blog about the task in backyard chicken farming no one seems to want to talk about; How do you transform a yardbird into drumsticks and soup? Once I started reading this, I couldn't stop.

That's my chicken-plucking story and I'm sticking to it.

What Will You do WIth Your 15 Minutes?

If it's true that we each get our 15 minutes of fame,I tip my hat to these two young men from Scotland for their brilliant use of their moment.



Ramones & Ukeleles.. . it's like peanut butter and chocolate!

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

PIRATES!! Under the Black Flag

Under the Black Flag

by David Cordingly


I just finished reading this great non-fiction book about pirates. In 1992 I saw an exhibition about Pirates in the British National Maritime Museum in Greenwich, England. And, yes, the neighboring observatory does feature the Greenwich Meridian as a line of thin tiles on the observatory’s floor.

My interest in pirates was rekindled Years back I had seen an exhibit about pirates in the same museum. It turns out Cordingly was responsible for that exhibit. The exhibit was presented in the from of a giant comic book.

“Under the Black Flag tells about pirates real and imagined. He manages to integrate chapters about pirate movies and movie pirates with in-depth and entertaining descriptions of the lives, vessels and exploits of pirates and pirate hunters from the late 16th (Frances Drake) through the early 18th century (Black beard). The book is bursting with privateers, corsairs, buccaneers and British and Spanish naval and merchant sailors. After reading about the lives of merchant seamen, it’s no surprise that so many were willing to sign on with pirates.

It’s interesting that when we think of pirates, the first characters that come to my mind are Black beard and Captain Kidd, who had rather short careers as pirate captains before being killed by the British navy or the hangman. One of the reason we remember these pirates so well is that the Admiralty wasn’t shy about spreading stories about the pirates they caught, as well as waiving their iron-banded and rotting bodies in front of the seamen to place fear in that pathetic lot.

Most of the book deals with European pirates, although there is mention of the toughest pirate in the 19th century China Sea, only know as Mrs. Cheng. Not surprisingly, we don’t have a lot of details about the pirates who didn’t get caught, with the exception of the government-sanctioned privateers in the 16th and 17th century. (aside – most of the music I play could probably be a soundtrack for this story.

After Drake, Henry Morgan was probably the greatest British pirate. He enjoyed the semi-legitimate label of privateer, invading and occupying several Spanish treasure ports around 1670 to 1675. After peace broke out between Spain and England, Morgan continued harassing the Spanish and French, until he was arrested by the Admiralty, and sent to London as a prisoner. Rather than facing trial, he was knighted by the king, and returned to Jamaica in the role of Lieutenant Governor, where he drank himself to death in a couple of years. Morgan’s exploits in the Spanish treasure ports are unbelievable, involving all sorts of deceptions, confused oxen roaming around battlefields,and,best of all, a pantomime pirate ship. It all reads like something out of Monty_Python's_Flying_Circus .

An entire chapter is devoted to the exploits of Ann Bonny and Mary Read, two female pirates-in-drag who served aboard the ship of Calico John Rackham, but after capture in Jamaica, were tired separately from the male pirates. The testimony from crew and passengers of ships their group had boarded proved that these women were true pirates. They were amazing characters. After being sentenced to hanging (even the judges were impressed with their pirate bona fides) they both admitted they were pregnant. The sentences were reprieved after examination. Ann Bonny died in prison of a tropical fever soon thereafter, however nothing is known of the fate of Mary Read or her child.

This book overflows with great stories like these (including Captain Kidd & the buried treasure).
Be not a scalawag. Iffen ye be wantin ta read bout pirates, This be yer treasure.

Arrghhhh, That be me story and to it I be stickin.